Courtship today ...

I think a man should at least mean what he said. And a girl should accept what she deserve.

Me Falling for You

Next time would be a beautiful fall. Remember that! 

I don't missed the chance to sneak out and made my cutest exit ever!

I was in Globe store this afternoon for inquires. I sat on a chair then dialed 211. While waiting for my call to be connected to CSR, I can't keep my head bouncing for I was enjoying the Christmas tune from the other line, not realizing that I am staring at the guy sitting in a chair at least 5 meters from me, not until we locked eyes 😱 for almost 6 seconds.

Whoah! that was so close! I was so embarrassed so I pretended like I don't care and look passed through him. I saw him swing his chair a little and positioned his feet pointing towards me. OMG! While talking to CSR, my eyes have their own lives and do their things again "look-up, look at him, look down, look at him, look passed through him, look at him" and we locked eyes again 😭 I'm dead!

I swing my chair and turned my back at him. He is wearing a plain white T-shirt and I am so distracted by his presence. Don't over imagined things! He is not so "gwapo" but he is also wearing a white city shorts and a pair of white sneakers, just as how I always imagined my man should look or wear. And for the last time, I looked at him again to see how good he looks but we locked eyes again  💀    Seriously, I'm dead! So please pray for my soul to get to heaven. 😂😂😂

My call had ended and I can't move out from my chair, so afraid for if I go out I will walk pass through him and be embarrassed. So, I motioned a little so I can see him while not looking at him directly. I waited for him to get busy so I can pass through him minus awkwardness. The service personnel got his attention and they talked. I don't missed the chance to sneak out and made my cutest exit eveeeeeerrrrr! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Strong. Independent. Happy.

The Story

One rainy night, two old friends bumped into each other.

Boy: Hi
Girl: Hello
Boy: Basa ka na. Here. Use my umbrella
Girl: No. I'm okay. Total basa narin naman ako. Gamitin mo nalang yan para hindi ka mabasa.
Boy: Why are you always like that?
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Never mind. Eto' gamitin mo para di kana mabasa. (Then the boy quickly walk away.)
Girl: Hey! Mababasa ka... (He's gone.)

Her phone ring.

Girl:  Hello
Boy: Hi. Nakauwi kana?
Girl: Oo. Thanks for the umbrella. Nabasa ka ba? Hinabol kita pero ang bilis mong nawala.
Boy: Okay lang. Malapit narin naman ako at nakauwi agad. Hmmm...
Girl: Yes. Ano yon?
Boy: Ahmn. Pagkatapos nito, pwede parin ba kitang makausap?
Girl: Hmmmn... kasi
Boy: Ah' sige okay lang. Baka busy ka at ma-istorbo pa kita. Lagi ka pa namang nagmamadali. Bye. Ingat ka lage.
Girl: Ah' sige...

In her room, she thinks of the little conversation she just have with the guy. "Bakit ganun? Busy ba talaga ako? Lage nga ba akong nakatingin sa oras at nagmamadali?" ...

For some reasons, other girls grew up very strong and independent. Through life's circumstances, they have learned to stand and do things alone. They have heavily built a secure foundation within that makes man afraid to climb the wall. Some men would think that this kind of woman don't need a man. They live a happy lifestyle that makes most men insecure of their status. They have a healthy social affiliation that other men are too scared to enter her life or to be rejected.

What men didn't realize?

These girls, may appear so strong, independent and happy but it doesn't mean they don't need man in their lives. Being strong doesn't excuse them from tears, they have their own horror too, and they need someone not just to wipe the tears but someone who will understand. Being happy doesn't exempt them from sadness, most of the time, happy people are the saddest human. So they also need someone not just to be with them when they are sad but most especially when they are happy.

But it takes a strong man to understand this type of woman. Someone who has big hands to catch her from falling, someone who has large eyes to see her tears behind every smile, someone who will stand by her even if she pretends to be strong enough to stand by herself, someone who knows that being strong doesn't mean not being able to cry and someone who has the courage to enter her life and fill the space she's trying to hide because if you do, you'll be the luckiest man in the planet.

The requirements?
You just have to be persistent in caring and loving them. They may pretend they don't see your effort but trust me, they do. They have an eagle's eye to see even the smallest things you did for them. You'll be surprise when they start to show their feelings for you. But of course, be honest to them. God's luck!

He lost her ...

When a woman finally let go of her man, don't expect her to look back. It may hurt her but you will never know about it, all you can see is a smile in her face hiding what she really feel inside. You will never know that she cry herself at night, that she misses you more than you missed her, that she's breaking into pieces, that she also wanted you back but can't because she already used her last card and that is to let go of you, so she can give herself a chance to love someone else. Someone who will never take her for granted, someone who sees her worth and someone who will love her the way she deserves.

She's being jailed by rejection for too long ...

Almost 3 years had past and I still wonder why I never ever give him the chance to prove himself or to let him care for me once more. Why? Every time this question lingers on my mind, a series of answers displayed like what Google does when you searches for an answer to your question. Some are reliable, others are not specific and many are not necessary.

WHY?

AFRAID OF REJECTION ... I am the center of 5 siblings. And just like other center child, I grew up being the mediator, the one who always understand, and most of the time rejected. At home it is always like, "unahin muna si ate kasi dalaga na sya or sa susunod kana kasi kawawa naman si bunso". Maybe my parents have higher hope that I do always understand and never realizes that sometimes I felt being rejected. Aside from it, I have had experience lots of rejection since I am a shy type girl. Because of that, I became an independent/scared woman, I have learned to do things on my own, if I wanted something I work on it and if something cannot be mine, I teach myself to not hope for it. I can't handle another rejection, especially to someone I dear so much.

INSECURITY/JEALOUSY  ... I don't know why. I am confident that I am one of God's beautiful kind and special (fault of my guy friends, they always make me believe that I am special & they treat me like one, they spoil me so much that I despised all man who treated me wrong), and I am not that kind of woman who is easily intimidated by other lady out there but with you it's always a different story. Maybe because you're so special to me that I can't handle losing you to another woman.

BROKENNESS ... Unfortunately, I was born with a parents whom I questioned the love they have for each other. There was never a moment in my life that I got to see the love of our father to our mother and even his love for us. I always believe in love and my father was the first one who broke my heart.

UNPREPAREDNESS ... When I first saw you, I never thought that I will care and love you the way I did. You've shaken my world and I wasn't prepared for it. I am not used to having other someone who care for me and at the same time someone I'm so afraid to lose.

and so on...

Leaving you with no words says it all. But the root of it is my own horror, being jailed by rejection for too long. I thought I can't have you, so I let you go even if it hurts. And failed to realize that by letting you go, I could hurt you too. I'm sorry.

Maybe we're not really meant for each other. Maybe, God has better plan for me and for you too. Today, I'm working on myself to be jail free. With God,

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Self-preservation"

You. Loved. Hurt. Faithful. Cheated. Have you already wondered why? Maybe, just maybe, you forgot the word 'Self-preservation'.

You've been in a relationship many times and was hurt. You've been faithful and was cheated. You tried so hard to fix a broken relationship, and you failed countless times. Don't you know why?

You are in a relationship you are not fitted. You're getting used to having such kind of relationship that sometimes you forget your own worth as a woman.

You put 'Self-preservation' in a box and left it somewhere. You've venture into relationship with men hoping that they can save you from the past - brokenness, insecurities and self-pity.

You forget that, sometimes, heartaches and miseries are brought by wrong decision, fault assurance and lack of 'self-preservation'. Remember: woman, you are the most precious gift a man can have. Don't bargain yourself on something not your worth. 

Say "Yes" when you're ready ...

Sometime in 2013, I met this woman in my workplace. She always have had lunch alone in the table, walked alone to her office and did errand in her own everyday. I saw it in her eyes that she's a lonely soul.

One lunch time, I approached her if I can share her table and she replied with meek smile. I started conversation with her by asking her some basic details - her name, age, when she started working and so on. Then we shared table during lunch break the following days and we became comfortable with each other.

Our conversation became more serious and personal as day went by. She shared some past relationship stories with me and because I can't contribute to this kind of sharing, I just listened to her with all ears.

She would tell about how many boyfriend she have had, from how they met to how they broke up, and how she misses having a boyfriend after one break up. Then, she would tell about how bad guys are, that they are cheater, user, and that they just want s*x. I was a bit confused to her views about man, she loves the feeling of having a boyfriend and at the same time she hate them, she even memorizes their vices like a song.

Do men really bad? Cheater? User? Do men really just want s*x? Do you agree with her? I don't agree with her for some reasons.

Men are not bad, they also love to be loved and they also need respect and appreciation like girls do. They are not born cheater, but like us (women) they might fall for others too if you don't take good care of them. If they are user, they shouldn't have put an effort to ask you to be his girl at the first place. And if they only wanted s*x, they should have paid for it and leave minus commitment.

But he like her and woo her thinking she is the woman he needs in his life. But the question is, considering her negative views about them and that she's a victim of past bad relationship, why she said "Yes"? Because she misses the feeling of having a boyfriend.

What happened next? She have this guy and she feels completed. Then, she slowly becoming paranoid - questioning and doubting his genuineness. And she did it in all her relationship. It became her habit - jumping from one lover to another without unloading her baggage from the past relationship. It became her routine and she was eaten by her anger, grudges, negativeness and she was slowly losing her confidence,  becoming lonelier and making herself feel less of a woman.

She's in pain and felt unloved for so long. She detached herself to the real world - always alone and does things by her own. She even forgot that she is a woman, strong and vibrant and that she is worthy of any man's love.

So, woman, say "Yes" when you have already unloaded your baggage from the past relationship. Say "Yes" when you're ready. Remember that, you deserve much more love than you've been asking for.

No one wants to be a rebound ...

Last week, I have had a semi-serious conversation with one of my guy friend. He was asking my opinion in regards with his present relationship condition (with his ex-girlfriend & the girl he's liking). So this is how his story goes;

She talks to him regularly, exchanges text messages and lend her ears to him. She's being sweet and she shows him extra attention. He is now liking her. But his ex-girlfriend suddenly appears to his life again. She seems to be interested in him again. Maybe her intention is real, or maybe she's just now claiming what she once hold because someone else is interested (whatever her intention is, it's not our business here).

And here is his stated problem:

He likes her but his world was shaken after his ex's sudden appearance. He wants her to be his girl but he is now experiencing unstable emotion. He wanted to ask her so soon because he is afraid she might leave him in the next few months if it takes him too long to ask her.

And I told him: "Don't ask her to be your girlfriend. Not until you have fully unloaded your baggage from the past relationship. It's obvious that she likes you too and you don't have to be afraid of losing her just because you took it too long to ask her. If you ask her now, it will be risky for both of you considering that you are emotionally unstable at this moment, you might lose her forever. Don't ruin your present relationship with her just because of your fears. Remember: No one wants to be a rebound. Good thing comes to those who wait."

I am Single because Mr. Right is nowhere :)

Nowadays, I've been so busy attending friends and colleagues wedding ceremonies and their children's baptism & birthday. I have been reconnecting to a group of friends only to find myself cannot connect to their topics - married life, plans for their family's future, monthly bills, kids education, etc.

But the funny-sad things about this reunion is that they always find me all by myself carrying a bag loaded with answers to their unending questions: "When will you get married?", "Where is your Mr. Right?", "When will we be meeting your Mr. Swerte?", "Where is he, the one you been dating for awhile?", "Aren't you being so picky?" and so on. Next to this is their wanna-be-cupid styles, expect a lot of recommended gentlemen from them. More often, they accused me of being a 'Picky Woman', a 'Hopeless Lover' and an 'Undecided Creature'.

Okay. So here it is. I am an average woman and I am also wooed by a lot guys since then. Naks!.. It's not that they didn't fit my standard (standard doesn't matter if you fall in love), it's just that all those times, I never find myself being ready of the so-called romantic relationship they asked from me. I think it's unfair for the guy and for myself if I venture on something I am not sure of. And I am not the type of a person who just settle, I believe that to love and to be loved is one of the most important factor in every relationship.

Years had passed and so is my immaturity. I met these guys, became friends and started dating. Later on, stop wooing, leaving me hanging with goodbye words: "You deserve someone better", "You're better with someone worth it." and the like.

So I ended up still single and it seems like forever. But as long as forever (with God)  is here, I will still be waiting for the right person. A man who doesn't think that I deserve someone better than him. Someone who knows that every woman will be better with any man, as long as he loves her, protects her & respects her.

Today, I'm still single because Mr. Right is nowhere.