Almost 3 years had past and I still wonder why I never ever give him the chance to prove himself or to let him care for me once more. Why? Every time this question lingers on my mind, a series of answers displayed like what Google does when you searches for an answer to your question. Some are reliable, others are not specific and many are not necessary.
WHY?
AFRAID OF REJECTION ... I am the center of 5 siblings. And just like other center child, I grew up being the mediator, the one who always understand, and most of the time rejected. At home it is always like, "unahin muna si ate kasi dalaga na sya or sa susunod kana kasi kawawa naman si bunso". Maybe my parents have higher hope that I do always understand and never realizes that sometimes I felt being rejected. Aside from it, I have had experience lots of rejection since I am a shy type girl. Because of that, I became an independent/scared woman, I have learned to do things on my own, if I wanted something I work on it and if something cannot be mine, I teach myself to not hope for it. I can't handle another rejection, especially to someone I dear so much.
INSECURITY/JEALOUSY ... I don't know why. I am confident that I am one of God's beautiful kind and special (fault of my guy friends, they always make me believe that I am special & they treat me like one, they spoil me so much that I despised all man who treated me wrong), and I am not that kind of woman who is easily intimidated by other lady out there but with you it's always a different story. Maybe because you're so special to me that I can't handle losing you to another woman.
BROKENNESS ... Unfortunately, I was born with a parents whom I questioned the love they have for each other. There was never a moment in my life that I got to see the love of our father to our mother and even his love for us. I always believe in love and my father was the first one who broke my heart.
UNPREPAREDNESS ... When I first saw you, I never thought that I will care and love you the way I did. You've shaken my world and I wasn't prepared for it. I am not used to having other someone who care for me and at the same time someone I'm so afraid to lose.
and so on...
Leaving you with no words says it all. But the root of it is my own horror, being jailed by rejection for too long. I thought I can't have you, so I let you go even if it hurts. And failed to realize that by letting you go, I could hurt you too. I'm sorry.
Maybe we're not really meant for each other. Maybe, God has better plan for me and for you too. Today, I'm working on myself to be jail free. With God,
Maybe we're not really meant for each other. Maybe, God has better plan for me and for you too. Today, I'm working on myself to be jail free. With God,
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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