A Letter to My Blue Heart 💙

May 19, 2019

To My Blue Heart,

I am writing this letter because I cannot contain everything that's happening on me and I can't even tell someone everything about it. Life has been hard lately, it's trying to knock me down. I need something therapeutic to do.

My grandmom, someone who would always chose me before I could proved anything, past away on the 6th day of this month. I was in a slight accident, injured my left leg on the 14th day and yet I have to pass my departmental exam on the 18th day. I wanted to scream that I need you, I needed to hear the words you'd always say, "things happen for a reason" but you were out of context. You went silent. You haven't even read the last message I sent to you on the 5th day, yet I couldn't stop visiting our chat box, type a message, stare blankly at it then decide to delete. I am scared it will just add up to the message that was left unseen. I have to consider your silence, I have to respect myself. Broken silence.

I lose you. I heard it in echo deep down my heart. But my stubborn self needs validation, a rightful reason to let go of us. I am sorry that I needed to find something for me to believe it was all over. My instinct never failed me, I found one. My heart beats fast "lub-dub-lub-dub". I stare at the photos, tears falls involuntarily. You look so happy. I can't help myself from wishing. I wish it was me who got to meet your family. I wish it was me standing next to you, your hand on my shoulder. I wish I am not this stubborn, I should have not seen the photos. I should have not ended crying at 2:00 am, unable to sleep. Heart aches. Head aches. Left leg aches. The world helplessly falls right

under my nose.

Not mine to hold anymore ☹️

I can't blame you. I knew it all along, months backward, that something change. Good morning & good nights were gone. Funny conversation, talks about the future, updating how we both feels for the day feels like all existed in the past. But I disregard it because I really, from the bottom of my heart, likes you. I have had never wanted any man to stay in my life until you came, I can't even explain why. I just do, yes, I do. I do kind believing that you were the right man for me. You have convinced me that no matter how strong I am, no matter how independent I become, I need a man in my life. I need a man who can handle my fire, calm my ocean. A man who will fight with me & tell me it's okay to lose. I needed you, despite of how different we both are. I actually made everyone believe that you are the right man for me. Noted.

Can I blame myself for not giving up too soon? But that was me, who can't afford to give up and fail my heart's desire. It was me who don't want to walk away, feed my ego and later regret for the things I didn't do. It was me who continue to hope that we could happen. It was me who wished that you'd be my first & last boyfriend. It was me who dreamed that we would create a happy family. It was me who choses you over the others. It was me who always believe in us. But I can't blame myself when all I did was love someone who made me feel like I am the luckiest woman on earth with him, someone who taught me that it's okay to need a man, someone whom I feel like I have his back. Someone whom I can do and tell anything with then feels fine. Someone who makes it feel like I'm home.

Sadly, that home wasn't mine for rest anymore. It belongs to her now. I was left standing outside the door, thinking what have I done wrong. Am I not enough? Is it me, because I could't take a risk? Am I not worth the wait? Do I not deserves your love?

Means nothing now ☹️

Its getting lonelier outside. I was still standing and couldn't even take a single step backward to make a distance because I'm keeping a promise; I once told you that if I get tired of you, I'll just sleep and when I woke up, you can get me tired again. But maybe it means nothing to you anymore. I never thought that you telling me, "Don't give up on us babe" is your other way of telling me, 'don't give up on us babe, it's my job'. I hit the ground so bad.

PS: Today, it feels like my whole skeleton was corrupted by the sadness I'm into but I believe that someday, I will understand why it doesn't work with you.

Will miss you,

🐉

Poem: You & I

Tula: Tadhana

Tadhana

Mga kwento ng tunay na pag-ibig at pagmamahalan.

Mga kwento ng pag-ibig na ipinaglalaban.

Mga kwentong aking pinanghahawakan.

Mga kwentong, ang sabi nila, ikaw tadhana ang may akda.

O tadhana.

Kay gandang tingnan ang mga pusong iyong binuo

kay sarap  pakinggan ang mga katagang "I love you",

 Mga pusong pinaglayo at muling pinagtagpo.

Noon paman ay tagahanga mo na ako.

Ako ay isang tapat na tagahanga
Buong pusong sayo ay nagtitiwala
Kaya't nang minsang pag-ibig sa aki'y tumingala
Walang anumang ako ay nagparaya.

Subali't sa paglipas ng panahon
Sa bawat pag-ibig na natagpuan at pilit kong ibinaon
Sa bawat patak ng luha ng pagpaparaya
Ako ay di makalaya.

Makalaya sa nakaraang ako ay nakulong
Sa isip na di masagot ang mga tanong
Sana ay, siguro ay, pano kung?
Sagot ay di parin matagpuan hanggang ngayon.

Ngunit tadhana
Sa muli nating pagtatagpo
Ako sana'y maturuan mo
Na ipaglaban ka't wag sumuko.

Walk to the top!

Banla Eco Park

My last two trekking experience was beautiful-dramatic!

First was at the mountain of T'murok, Malungon Sarangani Province. No. Don't over imagine the trek because you'll probably laugh at me for struggling in such an easy thrill. But it was my first time and I nailed it saying "I think I sent myself here to die!" That makes them laugh.

Second was at Sanchez Peak where it tried to knock me down while still at the foot of the mountain. 😁 I could buy myself a medal for being so stubborn and continue the trekk so I reached the top.

And this was my third trying-hard-climbing-experience. It's a holiday treat for ourselves, an unplanned trekking. Because it was unplanned so it wasn't perfect. Time was not followed and no one knows the exact way.I was kinda cheer-up for a bad start at the moment not until I have had my 'almost-die-drama' again. But that time, it doesn't give me hard time coping up. 

Maybe my trekking experience will never be perfect without being dramatic (Hahaha). It constantly reminds me to always do what makes your soul happy even if it means risking your life because you'll never know that you can surpass it MN if you're too afraid try.

Chasing Love No More ...

I look outside the window and saw a little girl. She's small and frail. Her face is like a scratch of paper impossibly waiting for someone to pick it and read what was written in it. But it's nothing, like she's no one. Nobody asks how she is. Nobody knows that she survives everyday chasing love. A little taste of it makes her live another day. How sad that girl could be.

I motion a little to see the whole picture and saw a reflection in the window. I smile and she smile. That girl must have done chasing love, maybe she had catch the love she's after and wear it on her sleeve. It is beautifully shown on her smile.

Let's Get Rocked to Sanchez Peak Top!

The morning air was great and seven mountain-climbers-wanna-be were so excited to reach Sanchez Peak, to be drowned by the sea of green, to be dozed by the morning air and to simply conquered our curiosity, fear and dream.

A beautiful view - the silhouette of Mt. Matutum.

I knew mountain climbing is not for everyone, especially the ill and the weak. To be a mountain climber, you have to maintain a strong body, well-balanced health and a package of mental strength. And I knew somehow that for someone who does not eat meat, this activity is a big risk, but thanks to my stubborn self - the impossible became possible!

White like my jacket -.-

It's scary how my body gave-up just a few meter of the thrill, I had experienced a sudden shortness of breath, I felt dizzy and my legs were trembling, and can't even utter a single word, my tongue lost its bones and was paralyzed as well as my eyes. Guided by my team to a big rock, I sat there fighting from falling asleep. I can't just let go of this opportunity to challenge myself from doing something I always wanted to do, if I give-up now then next time is just an impossible dream. I just can't, especially when I was already in the mountain foot, I can't just be coward and give-up on my promise to be with him. I remembered how my sister reprimanded me every-time I'm so close on giving-up "What you are experiencing now, "itlog" lang yan compared to what you've been through before. I saw you fell so many times but stand-up again, stronger and wiser. You are not a quitter, that's how I know you." 

On the rescue: Donna & Jason

My body might be that weak but my mind is the exact opposite. I continue the thrill after I'm feeling a little bit normal. It's funny how I've done the "7 steps. Rest. 3 steps. Rest. 5 steps. Rest. 4 steps. Rest" especially when I have "Wilfe" another companion  who can relate to what I am feeling and is also aiming to reach the top despite of the body condition. We laughed with ourselves as much as we struggle. I who doesn't eat meat and she who does not eat vegetables. I guess we just made a perfect duo (haha), and our motto: "Laugh with your weak body and take a few steps closer."

Take a pose! We're almost there, add a few steps closer!

For the love of nature, we did it! No mountain is too high for those who love nature. No thrill is too hard with those determined minds. And no body is too weak with a heart for a climb. I think everything - the struggle and hardship were there for us to have something to laugh at the top.

Donna's we did it pose :)

Edmar & Wilfe being playful at the heart of the mountain.

Wilfe and I on our way back; Yes! We conquered Sanchez Peak!

This experience has taught me a lot of lessons. So when I get home, I'll be adding more protein on my plate.

Courtship today ...

I think a man should at least mean what he said. And a girl should accept what she deserve.