May 19, 2019
To My Blue Heart,
To My Blue Heart,
I am writing this letter because I cannot contain everything that's happening on me and I can't even tell someone everything about it. Life has been hard lately, it's trying to knock me down. I need something therapeutic to do.
My grandmom, someone who would always chose me before I could proved anything, past away on the 6th day of this month. I was in a slight accident, injured my left leg on the 14th day and yet I have to pass my departmental exam on the 18th day. I wanted to scream that I need you, I needed to hear the words you'd always say, "things happen for a reason" but you were out of context. You went silent. You haven't even read the last message I sent to you on the 5th day, yet I couldn't stop visiting our chat box, type a message, stare blankly at it then decide to delete. I am scared it will just add up to the message that was left unseen. I have to consider your silence, I have to respect myself. Broken silence.
I lose you. I heard it in echo deep down my heart. But my stubborn self needs validation, a rightful reason to let go of us. I am sorry that I needed to find something for me to believe it was all over. My instinct never failed me, I found one. My heart beats fast "lub-dub-lub-dub". I stare at the photos, tears falls involuntarily. You look so happy. I can't help myself from wishing. I wish it was me who got to meet your family. I wish it was me standing next to you, your hand on my shoulder. I wish I am not this stubborn, I should have not seen the photos. I should have not ended crying at 2:00 am, unable to sleep. Heart aches. Head aches. Left leg aches. The world helplessly falls right
under my nose.
 |
| Not mine to hold anymore ☹️ |
I can't blame you. I knew it all along, months backward, that something change. Good morning & good nights were gone. Funny conversation, talks about the future, updating how we both feels for the day feels like all existed in the past. But I disregard it because I really, from the bottom of my heart, likes you. I have had never wanted any man to stay in my life until you came, I can't even explain why. I just do, yes, I do. I do kind believing that you were the right man for me. You have convinced me that no matter how strong I am, no matter how independent I become, I need a man in my life. I need a man who can handle my fire, calm my ocean. A man who will fight with me & tell me it's okay to lose. I needed you, despite of how different we both are. I actually made everyone believe that you are the right man for me. Noted.
Can I blame myself for not giving up too soon? But that was me, who can't afford to give up and fail my heart's desire. It was me who don't want to walk away, feed my ego and later regret for the things I didn't do. It was me who continue to hope that we could happen. It was me who wished that you'd be my first & last boyfriend. It was me who dreamed that we would create a happy family. It was me who choses you over the others. It was me who always believe in us. But I can't blame myself when all I did was love someone who made me feel like I am the luckiest woman on earth with him, someone who taught me that it's okay to need a man, someone whom I feel like I have his back. Someone whom I can do and tell anything with then feels fine. Someone who makes it feel like I'm home.
Sadly, that home wasn't mine for rest anymore. It belongs to her now. I was left standing outside the door, thinking what have I done wrong. Am I not enough? Is it me, because I could't take a risk? Am I not worth the wait? Do I not deserves your love?
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| Means nothing now ☹️ |
Its getting lonelier outside. I was still standing and couldn't even take a single step backward to make a distance because I'm keeping a promise; I once told you that if I get tired of you, I'll just sleep and when I woke up, you can get me tired again. But maybe it means nothing to you anymore. I never thought that you telling me, "Don't give up on us babe" is your other way of telling me, 'don't give up on us babe, it's my job'. I hit the ground so bad.
PS: Today, it feels like my whole skeleton was corrupted by the sadness I'm into but I believe that someday, I will understand why it doesn't work with you.
Will miss you,
🐉
🐉
