A Letter to My Blue Heart 💙

May 19, 2019

To My Blue Heart,

I am writing this letter because I cannot contain everything that's happening on me and I can't even tell someone everything about it. Life has been hard lately, it's trying to knock me down. I need something therapeutic to do.

My grandmom, someone who would always chose me before I could proved anything, past away on the 6th day of this month. I was in a slight accident, injured my left leg on the 14th day and yet I have to pass my departmental exam on the 18th day. I wanted to scream that I need you, I needed to hear the words you'd always say, "things happen for a reason" but you were out of context. You went silent. You haven't even read the last message I sent to you on the 5th day, yet I couldn't stop visiting our chat box, type a message, stare blankly at it then decide to delete. I am scared it will just add up to the message that was left unseen. I have to consider your silence, I have to respect myself. Broken silence.

I lose you. I heard it in echo deep down my heart. But my stubborn self needs validation, a rightful reason to let go of us. I am sorry that I needed to find something for me to believe it was all over. My instinct never failed me, I found one. My heart beats fast "lub-dub-lub-dub". I stare at the photos, tears falls involuntarily. You look so happy. I can't help myself from wishing. I wish it was me who got to meet your family. I wish it was me standing next to you, your hand on my shoulder. I wish I am not this stubborn, I should have not seen the photos. I should have not ended crying at 2:00 am, unable to sleep. Heart aches. Head aches. Left leg aches. The world helplessly falls right

under my nose.

Not mine to hold anymore ☹️

I can't blame you. I knew it all along, months backward, that something change. Good morning & good nights were gone. Funny conversation, talks about the future, updating how we both feels for the day feels like all existed in the past. But I disregard it because I really, from the bottom of my heart, likes you. I have had never wanted any man to stay in my life until you came, I can't even explain why. I just do, yes, I do. I do kind believing that you were the right man for me. You have convinced me that no matter how strong I am, no matter how independent I become, I need a man in my life. I need a man who can handle my fire, calm my ocean. A man who will fight with me & tell me it's okay to lose. I needed you, despite of how different we both are. I actually made everyone believe that you are the right man for me. Noted.

Can I blame myself for not giving up too soon? But that was me, who can't afford to give up and fail my heart's desire. It was me who don't want to walk away, feed my ego and later regret for the things I didn't do. It was me who continue to hope that we could happen. It was me who wished that you'd be my first & last boyfriend. It was me who dreamed that we would create a happy family. It was me who choses you over the others. It was me who always believe in us. But I can't blame myself when all I did was love someone who made me feel like I am the luckiest woman on earth with him, someone who taught me that it's okay to need a man, someone whom I feel like I have his back. Someone whom I can do and tell anything with then feels fine. Someone who makes it feel like I'm home.

Sadly, that home wasn't mine for rest anymore. It belongs to her now. I was left standing outside the door, thinking what have I done wrong. Am I not enough? Is it me, because I could't take a risk? Am I not worth the wait? Do I not deserves your love?

Means nothing now ☹️

Its getting lonelier outside. I was still standing and couldn't even take a single step backward to make a distance because I'm keeping a promise; I once told you that if I get tired of you, I'll just sleep and when I woke up, you can get me tired again. But maybe it means nothing to you anymore. I never thought that you telling me, "Don't give up on us babe" is your other way of telling me, 'don't give up on us babe, it's my job'. I hit the ground so bad.

PS: Today, it feels like my whole skeleton was corrupted by the sadness I'm into but I believe that someday, I will understand why it doesn't work with you.

Will miss you,

🐉

Chasing Love No More ...

I look outside the window and saw a little girl. She's small and frail. Her face is like a scratch of paper impossibly waiting for someone to pick it and read what was written in it. But it's nothing, like she's no one. Nobody asks how she is. Nobody knows that she survives everyday chasing love. A little taste of it makes her live another day. How sad that girl could be.

I motion a little to see the whole picture and saw a reflection in the window. I smile and she smile. That girl must have done chasing love, maybe she had catch the love she's after and wear it on her sleeve. It is beautifully shown on her smile.

Let life surprise you ...

I am 28 and still single. Why? Honestly, it's confusing. Maybe I am whom others called "made to be old alone", "the woman who can't settle", "the Miss Choosy" and "the one who have high standard" or maybe I am single because I choose to or I was swallowed by my fears - of being in a bad relationship - of making the wrong decision with the wrong man - of becoming an irresponsible girlfriend/wife/parent. Take it from a person who grew up with parents who couldn't compromise in too many things.

My life. My childhood. My past has a big contribution of my madness. Madness of making plans. The plans to straighten my life and follow the right path. Ten years ago, I decided to graduate with no boyfriend, to have my first-and-last boyfriend at the age of 24, then marry at the age of 28, and have my first born baby a year after. I even planned to have at least 5 beautiful children. Wow! What a plan! You can bestow a medal of honor on me while others may clap if I made it all come true. But a plan will just remain a plan if someone is too afraid to take the risks. 

So, here I am, still single at the age of 28, unable to marry with "No One". My fear, have somehow played the biggest part of my life, it took me into turning 28 without a boyfriend or even an ex. It even brought me two unofficial and assumed heartbreaks - sounds funny but true, they have had my heart broken without even knowing it. I made myself believe that by not taking the risks I'm saving myself to a long term brokenness. Did I really save myself to it? No, because playing safe is not safe at all, sometimes it leads you to your own engrave heartaches. And partly yes, because maybe the brokenness I am feeling now may not be compared with the brokenness I'll be dealing with if I have taken the risks. Who knows the mystery of the things that were left undone?

UNDONE. If I sum-up all the things that I wanna do in life, it would leave a word undone. Like I should have enrolled in accountancy but I didn't. I should have confessed my feeling to my first love but I left it locked in a box. I should have cleared things with my almost-lover before turning my back but I haven't. I should have had my first-and-last boyfriend at the age of 24 but I end-up still single today. I should be planning my marriage at this age instead I am writing this piece of never ending singleness, etc.

I should have do this and do that... Truly, life has its own way to surprise you. When I was young I cannot do math problems without causing headache and who would have thought that I can do accounting? I never imagined that this feeling of loving someone so much really exists for I grew up with parents who had a questionable love for each other. I am so afraid that temptations will go over me and I cannot surpass 24 staying single, and I never thought that I will turn 28 being so happy and confident. Before, the dream to reach mountain from mountain, to extend love and help in there seems like impossible but I got an easy access to it, easier that I thought it would be.

Life always surprise. You planned but failed. Think impossible and you'll be slapped with so much possibility. Because no matter what you do in life, what you planned, what you believe or don't believe, life will continue to show you its beautiful uncertainty. You'll be surprise!

Strong enough to walk away and never turn back.

Once upon a time, I was so scared. So afraid of losing someone I thought my everything, but I have to be tough. Strong enough to walk away and never turn back.

That moment I decided to let go of the person, I knew that it is hard, I knew that there is pain, I knew that there's no getting back and I knew that nobody can makes me hold up my decision. But still, I did it.

I have to do it. I need to do it. Because the thought of him, makes me weak. Little by little, he makes me so needy, insecure, fragile and powerless. He made me someone I am not supposed to be.

I'm changing. I can see it. And I can't let it happen without doing something. Falling in love and letting go are not cheap packages, I knew that the price is high. But whatever the price is, I have to pay it to rescue myself.

For nine nights, nothing can stop me from crying. Days were restless. Misery accompanied me wherever I go. My world collapses in front of me from one quick decision yet I know that I can surpass it. My mind tells me that I can. And I believe it.

In my perspective, it was one of the most courageous choice I  made in my whole life. Because I am living my life now the way that makes me happy, strong, independent and free. And that was me. That is always me.