I am 28 and still single. Why? Honestly, it's confusing. Maybe I am whom others called "made to be old alone", "the woman who can't settle", "the Miss Choosy" and "the one who have high standard" or maybe I am single because I choose to or I was swallowed by my fears - of being in a bad relationship - of making the wrong decision with the wrong man - of becoming an irresponsible girlfriend/wife/parent. Take it from a person who grew up with parents who couldn't compromise in too many things.
My life. My childhood. My past has a big contribution of my madness. Madness of making plans. The plans to straighten my life and follow the right path. Ten years ago, I decided to graduate with no boyfriend, to have my first-and-last boyfriend at the age of 24, then marry at the age of 28, and have my first born baby a year after. I even planned to have at least 5 beautiful children. Wow! What a plan! You can bestow a medal of honor on me while others may clap if I made it all come true. But a plan will just remain a plan if someone is too afraid to take the risks.
So, here I am, still single at the age of 28, unable to marry with "No One". My fear, have somehow played the biggest part of my life, it took me into turning 28 without a boyfriend or even an ex. It even brought me two unofficial and assumed heartbreaks - sounds funny but true, they have had my heart broken without even knowing it. I made myself believe that by not taking the risks I'm saving myself to a long term brokenness. Did I really save myself to it? No, because playing safe is not safe at all, sometimes it leads you to your own engrave heartaches. And partly yes, because maybe the brokenness I am feeling now may not be compared with the brokenness I'll be dealing with if I have taken the risks. Who knows the mystery of the things that were left undone?
UNDONE. If I sum-up all the things that I wanna do in life, it would leave a word undone. Like I should have enrolled in accountancy but I didn't. I should have confessed my feeling to my first love but I left it locked in a box. I should have cleared things with my almost-lover before turning my back but I haven't. I should have had my first-and-last boyfriend at the age of 24 but I end-up still single today. I should be planning my marriage at this age instead I am writing this piece of never ending singleness, etc.
I should have do this and do that... Truly, life has its own way to surprise you. When I was young I cannot do math problems without causing headache and who would have thought that I can do accounting? I never imagined that this feeling of loving someone so much really exists for I grew up with parents who had a questionable love for each other. I am so afraid that temptations will go over me and I cannot surpass 24 staying single, and I never thought that I will turn 28 being so happy and confident. Before, the dream to reach mountain from mountain, to extend love and help in there seems like impossible but I got an easy access to it, easier that I thought it would be.
Life always surprise. You planned but failed. Think impossible and you'll be slapped with so much possibility. Because no matter what you do in life, what you planned, what you believe or don't believe, life will continue to show you its beautiful uncertainty. You'll be surprise!
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